


The One With Shadowing

by Skysquid22



Series: The One With... [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 07:25:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10714914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skysquid22/pseuds/Skysquid22
Summary: Carisi gets to shadow Barba again.





	1. Chapter 1

Carisi was shadowing again.

Carisi asked and Liv agreed and it was indeed to put it in Carisi’s words, “This is the perfect case for me to shadow!”.

Barba was practically peer-pressured into it. 

At first he said no and while Carisi was in the midst of making his case, Benson walked in and ruined everything.

“Oh, come on Barba. He hasn’t shadowed you since the Hodda trial. He’s a lawyer now, he’ll be of a bit more use.”

He sighed and glared at a clearly amused Liv. “Fine. But, you get no say in court like last time.”

“You know he passed the bar right? I’m sure you can let him do a little more than just being---what was it? Arm candy?” Liv smirked. Meanwhile Carisi was looking at Liv like she was made out of gold.

Of course he knew Carisi had passed the bar. The detective had essentially ran into his office soon as he got word that he passed. Carisi kept giving him praise that Barba thought he didn’t deserve for weeks after that. He was like an overgrown puppy. 

Sweet and genuine. But _painfully_ annoying.

“Lawyer or not, you’ve only spent one case with me. Same rules apply as last time.”

Liv shrugged her shoulders in a way that said, _Eh, it was worth a try anyway._

Carisi was happy anyway about the news and again started to thank Barba. Only this time both Barba and Benson shut him down with the over-praise.

Now here he sat listening to the defense question the perpetrator of his heinous crime.

“Mr. Rye, can you tell us why you were there in the first place?”

Mr. Rye was BX9 member being accused of rape. Why Carisi thought this would be ‘the perfect case’ he did not know. The man acted like he was untouchable, he fully expected for his gang mates to save him. Only some of his trusted gang mates were prepared to throw him under the bus. Soon enough the defense attorney was done with his questioning and sat down. Right before he stood up he caught Carisi writing something down. Some idea’s probably.

So Barba stood and began to leisurely take his steps around the table to the perp.

 

Everything happened in slow-mo.

First he heard the cry of, “Get down!”

Then more shouting then a gunshot. 

Before Barba even realized what was going on Carisi was trying to push him out of the way. 

Barba tripped a bit at the shove, but he didn’t fall. Instead he ended up a few yards away using the judges stand as a crutch. 

Then there was more screaming and more gunshots. 

At last, time had caught up. People were talking and moving. Everyone except Carisi.

He was lying helplessly on the floor near the table, right were Barba was standing, clutching his side. His face was twisted in pain.

Fear hit Barba like a freight train. It was ruthless. But, he shook his head, Carisi needed help. No time to worry about yourself right now. Barba shucked off his jacket and folded it into a ball and dropped to his knees to the wound which was staining anything within its orbit with blood. The ball was pressed into the gash causing Carisi to gasp out in pain.

Barba quelled, “I know, I know…”

The background noise dropped off and it only seemed that there was two people in the world.

Carisi had stray tears ran down his face and pooled in his ears. His teeth clenched in and threatened to bite through his own teeth. Carisi’s head turned to face Barba and caught his eye.

He looked like death incarnate. Pale, sweating (and/or tears), a face full of sorrow, regret, and pure pain. Barba’s hands continued to press into the cut. There was a lot of blood on both of them, almost equally. 

Then Carisi started to go limp, his blinking got slower and slower. Panicking even further Barba shouted, “Carisi!”

That jolted him a little. Carisi then turned his head to the roof and licked his lips.

“Carisi, stay with me! I need you to keep looking at me!”

It was a test to see if the taller man could hold conscience. And he failed that test. 

“Sonny!” He hoped the first name would keep him awake. 

But, Carisi had closed his eyes now. Shit, he had to make sure if he was still breathing, or even alive.

Barba shifted a little and his left hand reached up to touch Carisi’s cheek. It was wet and clammy. He moved his hand to his lips, it was very faint and but, a soft breath was there. As he retracted his hand he discovered to his horror that he had left a bloodied hand imprint on the lower left side of Carisi’s face. If this was a true crime scene, you could trace the finger painting to Barba based fingerprints.

His hand returned to lesion and could do nothing but, watch him slowly die.

Before he started to cry a cold hand was placed on his shoulder. He turned around fully expecting Death’s bony hand. But, no. It was an EMT, who moved around and took over Barba’s position. _Now,_ Barba fell to the floor. Pushed right under the chair he sat sometime ago and sat dumbly, not hearing a thing the EMTs were saying. 

As they were moving Carisi’s body onto a stretcher he looked at his hands. They were caked in blood, _bathed in it._ And they wouldn't stop shaking. It wasn’t even a slight shaking he could hide. No. These were full on tremors, he couldn’t even hold a pen in his hands. 

Time became weird again. It was pulled, stretched, and folded like taffy. He had no idea what time it was. What was it before the gunshot? What day was it? He was pulled out of his downward spiral by Rollins who took his shoulder again. The one Death and the EMT took. 

She was saying something but, his head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

“I-I’m sorry. What…?” He voice wavered from cracking, to stuttering, to wandering off. A sad look crossed Rollins’ face.

“I’ll drive you to the hospital. Come on.” She punctuated that last part by forcefully dragging Barba to his feet but, his legs didn’t seem to work very well. Rollins almost carried him out and into a car. It was just all a blur. If she said anything he didn’t know. He just kept staring at his hands.

He felt selfish. Here Carisi was flirting with death and Barba was very close to having a panic attack. They don’t even compare. Barba being at the most vulnerable in his life could not, _would not_ compare to Carisi maybe dying. He started to remember what he did when Dodds died and tried to prepare himself.

-

In one second Rollins sees Manhattan SVU ADA step up to bury a BX9 on the stand.

In the next she can’t see Barba or Carisi and it’s complete chaos. 

There’s a, “Get down!” and people comply. Then the shooter fires in Barba’s direction before he turns and tries to get as many people as possible. He doesn’t get a chance before 4 shots go through his body. Three in the torso, one in the neck. Several cops call 911 then proceed to get as many people out of scene and calm them down. When medical arrives, she leads and directs them toward where she last saw Barba and Carisi. 

The EMTs brush past her because she’s stopped in her tracks. Carisi lays in a pool of blood near the prosecutors table, Barba joining him there. There a red handprint on his face and Barba has his jacket stuffed into his side. The nurses subtly push him out of the way and he sits on the ground looking the most dejected she has ever seen him. He looks so lost and his clothes are covered in blood. _Carisi’s blood._

Rollins dodges the EMTs carrying Sonny’s body. She forces herself not to look at a surely awful face. Barba is now staring at his shaking and bloodied hands. Her walk is timid and careful, like she doesn’t want to scare him off. Only thing is, as she gets closer it’s harder to ignore all of him. The tall and once proudly standing building has toppled and there’s bodies.

“Barba?”

Not so much as a blink in response. 

“Come on.”

Still nothing, he keeps staring a hole through his hands. This time she puts a hand on his shoulder and he jumps a little.

“Let’s get you to the hospital, I’ll drive you.”

Finally blank green eyes meet hers. “I-I’m sorry. What…?”

God it’s awful to hear his voice. 

“I’ll drive you to the hospital. Come on.”

She helps him up, but his legs have no intention of working so he almost falls back to the ground. With a few words of encouragement, steady arms and a steady body she is able to hurriedly rush Barba out the courthouse and onto the steps and in her car. She sends a quick text to Liv that Barba’s ok and that she driving him to the hospital. As Rollins pulls out onto the street, she takes a look at the ADA. 

He keeps staring at his hands.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion to the story of Carisi's second shadowing.

Rollins had managed to get him into the emergency ward and checked out. Flashing a badge certainly helped. According to a _useless_ doctor he’s just in shock and you should keep an eye on him. At least he got to wash up a bit.

Carisi still isn’t out of surgery yet and thus has no room to congregate to. Texting Liv and getting no response make her to turn to Fin. She gets a location from him.

Liv was running around refusing to stay still, calling Carisi’s family and anyone who would care. Rollins sat Barba down in a chair and went to briefly talk with Benson.

She finished up her call and turned to her. “How is he? Is he fine?” Her voice is high, but stern. It’s going to run raw from all the use it’s getting. 

“Well…” It was honestly hard to say. He was obviously not fine, but to what extent was the problem. So instead of giving a defined answer she turned to where Barba was sitting and Liv followed her gaze. 

His hair was dishevelled somehow, his jacket was in his lap, and he looked like he waded through a literal pool of blood. That suit was a goner. And once again he was examining his hands slowly, like they just appeared. 

LIv took a sharp inhale and then said to Rollins, “Make sure he doesn’t fall apart. Keep him occupied.” She stalled for a moment longer then turned away and out of sight of Barba.

Amanda took a deep breath, saddled up and sat in the chair next to him. He showed no sign of registering she was there.

-

Fin found her a little later. Rollins spotted him and got up and rushed to him and encompassed him in a wide hug. They both needed it and they embraced each other. There was still no word on Carisi’s condition. No one wanted to say, but everyone was thinking it.

Dodds.

She took a step back and murmured a thank you. “Hey, no one else was hurt. I’ve been workin on dealing with the outside world right now. It’s a circus at the moment.” Fin spoke softly and carefully.

“You wanna sub out? I need something to keep my mind… off.”

“Of course. What would I be subbing in for?”

Rollins simply looked back at Barba. He looked _so tired._

“Your new job will be making sure _he_ doesn’t break down.”

“Jesus.” Fin breathed.

“Yup.” She said, popping the ‘p’.

She turned back towards him and claps him on the shoulder. “He won’t say much but, at least he recognizing our voices. I don’t think he’ll go to sleep until he finds out about Sonny.” She then takes off and pulls out her phone leaving Fin with the counselor. 

He walks up to Barba and says, “You hungry?” Barba looks up pitifully at him and says nothing. “Come on let’s go to the food court.” He stands awkwardly and waits for Barba. 

“Ok.” It’s so quiet that he barely hears it. In slow languid movements he stands up and together they head to the food court. And as they enter Barba whispers again at the scene before them. 

“The calverley arrived.” 

Such as it was. 

Carisi’s family was there, all three sisters he worried about, and the parents. They swarmed around Liv and a doctor who continued to give them non-answers. 

Barba avoided the crowd and headed for the food. 

It was a strange sight. A zombie like Barba scanning the halls for food. 

He gets a ham and cheese sandwich and a crappy coffee. And Fin gets the same. As they eat, Fin watches Liv battle off a distressed and worried family and when he grew bored he turned back to tell Barba about how the outside world is taking it, but is stopped by the sight. Barba’s back to staring at his hands again, still shaking. 

His face turns sour. “I can barely hold my food.” He says bitterly. Fin purses his lips and says, “Maybe we should go get some medicine for that.”

Barba shook his head, “If the doctor wasn’t willing to give me pills before I’d doubt he’ll give some now.”

Right as Fin opened his mouth to speak a loud shrill came from the other side of the room. Both onlookers hearts’ stopped. At first the rest of them were hugging and crying and looking for the worst. But, the more Fin looked he didn’t see sadness, he saw happiness. Which in turn caused him to smile.

Fin heard a deep sigh of relief from behind him and looking back he saw a tired and broken Barba. But, yet peaking through the storm clouds, was a soft smile. Fin’s not sure if he ever saw the counselor smile like that before. 

He supposes that why the ADA was acting so devastated at Carisi’s brush with death because he was the cause. _He_ was meant to the target. And some of that guilt just got lifted. 

-

When Rollins bounced off to talk to another human being called Fin, Barba gave in sent a small prayer to anyone who’d listen. Being raised Christian had to give him some kind of brownie points, _right?_

Well, apparently it worked. Time was still a concept as he sat outside Carisi’s room. He and Fin got word that Carisi survived the surgery and his family was huddling around the door to his room and the presiding window. He and the rest of the crew sat a little farther down waiting to see him. After the family of course. 

They all sat there twiddling their thumbs, biding their time. Liv was still quietly talking on her phone, Rollins the same, and Fin sat there same with Barba, staring off into the distance. Only difference, Barba’s pretty sure he fell asleep a few times. When they first got to the room Liv took him aside and tried to convince him to go home. It went as successful as shaking a beehive. 

So they sat and waited and after some time the family got to go in despite the fact he was still resting. One by one family and friends shared their heart to heart to an unconscious Carisi. Then at last after Benson left with tears in her eyes she turned to face Barba who stood up. 

“He’s all yours. I’ll wait for you and drive you home. Yes I’m driving you home. You need to go home and change out of that suit.”

Barba wanted to argue but was in no condition so noded. Besides his second priority was to get rid of his ruined suit, take a shower and sleep for a thousand years. No one was expecting him to return to work. Or perhaps they were. After all, he didn’t get shot.

Like a ghost he walked past Liv who proceeded to sit in a chair. 

Seeing a deathly pale face and hearing the eerie beeping of the heart monitor just made all the more real. But, he refused to cry in his presence out of some sort of warped pride. The sound of his dress shoes hitting the linoleum filled the room and threatened to drown out the steady _beep. beep._ of the monitor. As he got closer, right next to him, he considered using the chair the others used before him. It was situated right next to the bed. But, no he wanted to stand for his confession. He took a deep breath and began.

“You didn’t deserve this.

“I was the target, I was the one who should’ve been shot. _I_ was the one who should be in the morgue right now or laying down in this hospital bed.”

He pauses and takes in a comatose Carisi. He looked so _peaceful._

He shook his head. “I suppose it has to do with your oath to _protect and serve._ Who knows, maybe you should’ve joined the army, that way I’d wouldn’t be feeling like this.”

He looked away from Carisi’s face in an attempt to hide his shame. “Sorry that was selfish of me. 

“I don’t know how or what you feel Carisi, specifically your thoughts on me. I’m a lawyer and I read people for a living and I still can’t tell if your ass-kissing is truly ass-kissing or maybe it’s something more. And I’m not sure what I feel either.”

He took in a deep rattling breath to prepare himself. This was the kicker.

“I think I love you.

“In the span of god knows how long, I realized that I have feelings for you. No idea if these are new or I subconsciously thought it before but…”

He laughed bitterly, “Here we are.”

Shaking his head in defeat he says to the floor, “Look at me. I haven’t felt like this in a long time.”

Then, with despair, “I’m so _selfish._ ”

Throwing caution to the wind he leans forward and gets close enough to feel Carisi’s soft breath. “It’s not like you are gonna remember this anyway.” Barba closes the gap and gives a chaste kiss to his cold and clammy lips. After a few moments he pulls away and judges his face. No change.

He pulls completely away, looks at him for awhile longer, and turns and leaves. Before he opens the door his voice threatens to shatter again as he says, “Maybe someday I can call you ‘Sonny’ again.”

Outside Liv was waiting patiently for Barba to finish up. And she unknowingly repeated Rollins words, “Come on. I’ll drive you.”

-

A few weeks later Carisi had finally returned to work, full of renewed energy and gusto. When Barba came by just to say hi, although he hid his intentions with a meeting with Liv. Carisi was surrounded by his work friends cheerfully talking about his time in the hospital like he didn’t get shot. When Barba walked in Carisi waved at Barba and then waved him over. 

“Oh hey counselor! How’ve you been?!”

“Been better I suppose, back to work already?”

Carisi’s expression dropped for a moment for, but returned to his bright smile. “Well, desk duty, but hopefully on the field soon.” He pointedly looked at Liv at that. That got a round of laughs and a tiny smile crosses Barbas’ face. Carisi is surrounded by happy faces but, the only one he looks at was Barba. Carisi’s smile was different, it was softer and more genuine. 

Barba had to turn his soft smile into a genuine smile at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you really think I could kill off Sonny. Ha!
> 
> Anyway please comment on stuff I can improve. And of course I rushed this too so I didn't even proofread it. Maybe I'll go back and comb through this tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a few hours so that's why it's so rushed. I'll post another chapter eventually. This is also my first time writing angst. So... yeah. I appreciate comments on how to improve my writing. Thanks!


End file.
